Meeting the family

Yes, I know what you are all thinking here.  It's is something along the lines of one of these three comments:

1) But Brian has already met your family.

2) Didn't you meet Brian's family long before you ever met him or even knew of his existence?

3) I thought Brian had no contact with the majority of his family.

All three of these statements are, in fact, true.  Well ... mostly true, in any case. 

Brian has, in fact met the part of my family that I am close to and see on any kind of regular basis.  Not that I would turn down the chance to introduce him to other, more distant, family members should the opportunity arise.  But it isn't something I am going to make a huge effort to do just because I'm getting married in a year.

The part about my meeting Brian's family before I met him is only half true.  I got to know his dad, stepmother and three half-siblings back in 1996 through an interesting combination of St Alphonsus Church in Ballard, and the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism).  Over time they adopted me and my then-boyfriend/husband into their family.  And due to a highly unfortunate set of circumstances over the last two years, I have lost a large part of that connection to the surviving four members of that family.  Three of which I would dearly love to be able to celebrate our engagement with and include in the wedding festivities.  Sadly, I fear the only way I could make that happen would be to do and/or say something that I know to be a lie and compromise my own personal set of ethics.  I still hold hope in my heart, however, that I can reconcile with that "adoptive family" without having to do something I believe to be wrong.

But it is that third statement that is the subject of this blog today. 

It is true that Brian has, by his own personal choice, no contact with the majority of his family.  Coming from such a different family dynamic and upbringing, I cannot even begin to understand what governs this decision of his, but I know that I respect it, and would never try and tell him how to handle his emotions or manage those relationships.  I will let Brian handle this in his own way. 

Despite his own "self exile" from most family members, Brian has maintained a good relationship with his younger sister Heidi.  I've met her as well, and she is awesome.  And not just because she and her SO came to our housewarming and brought candied bacon and good tequila (though they were both quite delicious!)  She is just a really cool and awesome person.  Which is why I was so pleased that she invited both of us to her daughter's wedding. 

Granted, it took Brian a while to come to grips with attending a Family Function (capitalization intentional).  I wasn't going to push it; I let him make the decision as to whether or not to go.  I think attending his dad's burial service is what made Brian feel more comfortable with making the decision to go.  Once he did, though, I took the role of Social Organizer, and made sure everything was taken care of -- gift purchased, timeline arranged, and so on.  What can I say ... it's what I do.  I'm very glad we went.  It was a lovely wedding, at a lovely venue in the Snohomish/Monroe area (the part of Snohomish that is really much closer to Monroe, for those who know the area and/or ever attended a party at Kat Schroeder's old place).

So, this is where I got to Meet The Family (capitalization once again intentional).

A part of me feels a little bad, because I sort of made it happen.  Brian was more than content to stay in our little corner of the reception venue and only talk to his sister and congratulate his niece, the lovely bride.  But I was curious.  Really, really curious.  Despite the pain and upset that I knew some of these people had/have caused my dearest love, I still felt the overwhelming urge to meet them.  Maybe I was hoping to get a little bit of what Brian has gotten from my family and extended Gualala family -- the glimpse into a totally different side of Brian from his childhood and early adulthood.  Or maybe it was just simply not wanting the regret of not having met anyone from that side of the family when I actually had the chance to do so.  I don't know, probably a little of both.

Anyway, after spending some time getting that "glimpse of Brian's childhood" that I wanted from a family friend who shared our table for dinner, my curiosity got the best of me.  And when Brian excused himself to use the restroom, I decided to help the volunteers that were setting up the wedding cake and cupcake display.  Which just happened to be where the mother of the bride was sitting with the rest of her family.  I'm pretty sure Heidi knew exactly what I was doing, and why, because she was kind enough to introduce me to her mother, aunt and uncle.  Which, not surprisingly, prompted a lot of response along the line of "Brian is HERE?!"

That is what I feel a little bad about.  Obviously, a response and revelation like that is going to be acted upon.  So when I went back to join my sweetheart at the table, we had a couple of additional visitors.  Talking with his aunt (dad's sister) was lovely, and once again I appreciated getting a different and new look into that side of the family.  I won't go into details, but we'll just say I learned a lot about another man I knew pretty well.  When Brian's mother came up to talk, I knew I needed to give them space.  They talked for quite a while, during which time I got to meet his older sister, Ginny (who did a fantastic job coordinating the whole wedding; it really was lovely, and fun, and a good time).

During this whole time, I recognized how hard this was on Brian, and I hope he can forgive me for being the catalyst to a reunion that he never wanted nor asked for.  Still, I just can't help but be grateful to get the chance to meet these people I have only heard about.  I wouldn't dream of telling Brian what to do about his relationship with his family, or negate his very real and justifiable feelings.  And whatever happens going forward, I'm glad to have gotten this opportunity.

Oh, and when I finally did get to meet and congratulate the bride, it got even better.  Apparently, her childhood nickname for Brian was "Uncle Chunk", named after the chubby kid from "The Goonies" movie.  This is how she addressed him when we went to talk to her.  I plan on using that nickname at any appropriate opportunity I get!

I never said I wasn't an EVIL bride-to-be ...  ;)

Wedding Wire ... and how it can kiss my @$$ ...

So, I'm trying not to obsess about the wedding planning, but I'm failing pretty miserably.  I actually enjoy all the planning and such, and not even having a date set for something that should happen around this time next year is really freaking me out.  I don't like it.  However, the venue that we really want to use can't give us their availability for a couple more months, so I'm pretty much stuck in this limbo.  I guess I have a few more lessons on patience left to learn.

The venue, should we end up getting it, is really cool.  It's a Masonic Family Park in Granite Falls.  They have a big industrial kitchen, and lots of open picnic areas, and several large covered picnic shelters, and a covered amphitheater that we think would be perfect for the ceremony.  The SCA does several events each year at this property, so they are used to big groups of crazy people.  So yeah, we are really hoping this works out.

Oh, yeah, so ... why am I pissed off at Wedding Wire?  Well, as part of that whole "needing to plan" feeling, I decided to look at one of the sites that a friend of mine had used to make her wedding website.  I liked WW's website tool, and built something that looked cute, and appropriate for us and everything.  I was kind of annoyed that they wouldn't even let you register without giving the wedding date, but figured I could just put one that was within our window range and it would be good enough.  They also had a pretty good budgeting tool and calendar checklist.

Then I discovered the forums.  And found the biggest group of snobby, judgmental, bitchy brides-to-be.  It was like someone had made internet clones of my future SIL and put them all there on these discussion forums.

Here are some of the things I learned from the oh-so-helpful people on the Wedding Wire forums:

1) If you are on any kind of budget restrictions, the only option you have is to severely limit your guest list.  Because anyone who plans a wedding must provide a full formal sit down meal for every guest.  Otherwise no one will want to come to your wedding.  Because obviously, the only way people will want to share in the joy of the happiest day of a friend's life is if they are bribed with food and drink and entertainment.

2) All weddings must not only have a formal reception, but any wedding over 25 guests must have a formal seating chart.  If there is no seating chart, all the guests will hate the bride for the rest of her natural life.

3) Potluck wedding receptions are the tackiest thing in the universe and any bride contemplating holding one should be tarred and feathered and run out of town.

4) Do-it-yourself reception food is only slightly less tacky than potluck.  And if you do make your own food, rather than hire a professional caterer, half the wedding guests are guaranteed to come down with food poisoning.

5) Brides who do not do wedding registries are obviously just begging their guests for cash gifts, which is a sin of greed beyond redemption.  All brides need to register with at least one store, because apparently wedding guests are unable to make their own decisions about what to give a couple as a wedding gift.

6) Family members' demands should be accommodated at all costs because family is paramount when planning a wedding.  Abusive/neglectful relatives are, luckily, often granted an exception to this rule.  Likewise if the couple is paying for the wedding themselves.

7) Every large detail and many small details should be worked out and locked down at least 12 months before the wedding date.  If not, you are a slacker bride who doesn't deserve anything better than an elopement or a backyard ceremony for 20 people (with a fully catered meal, of course!).

8) Everyone you invite to an engagement party needs to be invited to the wedding.  Everyone you invite to the wedding should be invited to any after parties you host.  If you can only have, or only want, a small number of people at the after party, then you should have a very small wedding (with a fully catered meal, of course!).  Same thing with wedding showers.  It must be an all or nothing deal, otherwise you are a rude bridezilla.

9) Any time a bride puts her foot down or takes a stand for something she feels strongly about, she is a Bridezilla.

10) Someone is always going to complain about something in regards to your wedding, and try to tell you that it is wrong and that "their way" is right.

Okay, so that last one is actually true ...

I'm keeping my account, so that I can continue to use the planning tools and the website (which I will post, once I get the venue and the date locked down).  But I'm walking away from the forums.  Maybe I'll go back.  Maybe not.  They were just becoming an obsession, and a source of frustration.  Something I really don't need now.

Must ... not ... release ... Bridezilla ...

Yeah, so I've been engaged for a little over two weeks, the wedding is over a year away, and I'm already starting to feel stressed and overwhelmed.  This is not right.

Isn't she adorable?!?!

But seriously, just starting to look at all the options and potential venues and such was making my head spin.  Not to mention seeing the budget numbers climb higher and higher each time one of us thought of that one thing more that we wanted to add.  And this was us trying to work on what is really a tiny budget for a big wedding.

I have only two things to say about that:

1) Trying to do a "full service" wedding on a shoestring budget is enough to drive any person crazy.  Since I am mostly there already, I don't need that extra push over the edge.  Not now or 12-14 months from now.

2) I owe my parents both a huge debt of gratitude and a huge apology for having unknowingly put them in the hole for at least $30K (if not more) for my first extravaganza of a princess fantasy wedding.  Now that I have a better idea of what things cost ... Holy Crap!  I can't believe they paid for all that and didn't kill me.  Or stop me.  Or something.  And we all know how well that marriage worked out ...

So, yeah.  My initial plan of an indoor/outdoor wedding in a rented hall of some sort on the water in a central location near Seattle with professional live musicians (or at least one), and a fully choreographed swordfight down the aisle, and plenty of drinks for all the guests, and a simple but complete appetizer course and full dinner, with a professionally made cake and DJ with dancing (including some sort of choreographed tango or waltz for the bride and groom) and a semi-full bar with volunteers to manage all of it somehow ... yeah, cue the Bridezilla.

First of all, I was starting to see the expenses easily creeping up into the $10-$12K range.  And we are still paying for it all, and refuse to go into debt for a wedding, which would mean having to save somewhere around $800 each month.  After our regular expenses.  Which, of course, include a mortgage payment, and a car payment, and a pretty big increase in medical expenses for me this year with the sleep apnea testing and diagnosis, in addition to just regular expenses.  Truth is, we don't live beyond our means, but we also don't live that much below it either.  We have it about right.  And as much as I love our friends and family, I'm not willing to eat Top Ramen for a year so that we can pay for a big wedding (not to mention that I can't eat Top Ramen for a year, what with the wheat/gluten intolerance and all).

And on the other hand, I also saw a whole lot of required preparation involved that was going to take a lot of manpower and coordination to make it work.  Preparing all the food, purchasing all the drinks and ingredients, finding people to help cook and serve and everything.  And then there were the decorations and making the clothes.  The list went on and on.  I do realize that we have a great support network of friends, and a lot of them would, in fact, be willing to do these things for us.  But I didn't want to make the assumption that they would.

So we both had to have the "Come To Jesus" talk.  This was hard for me, because I really, really want to give Brian the wedding he never had.  And he was really getting in to it too.  A little too much, I'm afraid.  Or, to be more precise, I was beginning to feel too much pressure trying to satisfy all his wants, and his requirements.  For example, he started getting very picky about the venue -- it couldn't be too "industrial", it had to actually be on some large body of water, with the potential for a boat launch and pick up, it had to have enough tables and chairs and they had to look nice, they had to allow beer, wine and hard alcohol without an exorbitant extra cost for doing so.  And each requirement I heard, I kept seeing those dollar signs go up, up, up.  I kind of got the feeling that he was trying to re-create ceremonies that other friends of ours have had over the last couple years.  Not to mention that he seemed to want to make it very much a big production, which was adding to the stress factor, trying to figure out how we would fit in all that rehearsal time with the rest of the wedding prep.

I will admit, I was guilty of some of that "overdoing" as well.  Mostly with clothing -- wanting to buy all new fabric, rather than starting with what was available in my substantial fabric stash, and wanting two dresses (a gown for the ceremony, and a pirate wench costume for the reception).  And I wanted to provide all the food ourselves, feeling that a potluck wedding seemed tacky when we obviously seemed to be willing to splurge elsewhere.

 

As I posted on Facebook, I really was ready to chuck it all and just do something in our backyard.  Quick, simple and cheap.

 

Luckily, Brian and I both communicate very well, and are able to get to good compromises pretty quickly (methinks this will hold us in good stead throughout our marriage).  We decided that we still really wanted to be able to include all our friends and family who wanted to come.  We still really wanted to keep the pirate theme.  And we wanted to have a fun but relaxing event where everyone could feel comfortable and just have a good time.

 

So I made some pretty big adjustments, and was able to get the budget down to the $3,500-$4,000 range.  We'll be scaling way back on the food, probably providing smoked meat, some beer and wine (and a little rum), and having friends bring potluck contributions for the rest.  I will most likely be making my own cake, unless I can find someone who wants to donate that particular service (and does good gluten free baking).  Actually, we are hoping to find people who will donate most of the services, including a WA-state legal officiant who speaks fluent Pirate and has the outfit.  I think I've narrowed it down to one of two mostly-outdoor venues that charge a fraction of what even a city-owned hall costs, and seating will be at picnic style tables.  My chosen photographer has agreed to work for considerably less than his normal rate, because he is awesome (and maybe because we ply him with smoked meat and cider whenever we see him).

 

We have decided against any kind of a wedding party.  Really want to avoid all the drama that goes with that.  People can just show up in pirate costumes, and get their pictures taken with us if they want.  They don't have to be in a "wedding party" to do that.  And honestly, I would like to have friends who are willing to help out with aspects of the wedding because they want to, not because they feel obligated to do so because I made them a bridesmaid.  We're also forgoing bouquets, and all the "scripted" stuff usually done at a wedding reception like bouquet/garter toss, first dance, etc.   We might make a dance floor, if one of our DJ friends wants to loan his equipment and services for the evening.  Otherwise, we'll just eat, and talk, and have fun.  Maybe make speeches.  Maybe not.

 

And our wedding night will most likely be spent in a tent, since both sites I'm looking at allow overnight camping.  Seems fitting somehow.

 

This is going to be good.

And so it begins ...

Yes, I am starting a blog about my engagement and upcoming wedding.  Because ... well, just because I can, I guess.

So yeah, Brian and I are engaged. 

The proposal itself was pretty epic.

We were attending the annual family camping gathering on the California North Coast on Mothers' Day weekend.  Every year for 42 years, several families have been getting together to do this.  My family, the Wrights, are one of the prominent core families of this gathering.  I hadn't been for 18 years, since my move to Seattle, but decided last year to take Brian to see if he'd like it.  He loved it so much he declared that we would make the 20 hour each way drive every single year.

So anyway ... we had been talking about marriage, and getting engaged, and despite the fact that he had wanted it to be a complete surprise for me, it was looking like that wasn't going to be possible any more.  He also really wanted it to happen at Gualala (the campground and city where the annual event takes place).  So we decided that we would make it happen, and instead of the surprise being on me, it would be on everyone else.  I also suggested that we stop on the way in Oregon to get the ring, and avoid having to pay sales tax.  Brian thought that last part was a piece of brilliance (yeah, it was).

So after a few false leads, we did manage to find the perfect ring in Salem, OR.  It is exactly what I wanted - an oval cut natural sapphire with diamond accents set in white gold.  And it was even within the budget we had set for ourselves.  Score!!!

Brian wanted to do it in full grandiose style, and as publicly as possible - right after the big abalone feed on Saturday night.  So after we had finished dinner, and Ted, the event host, had given his welcome and speech, he had Brian come up "to say a few words" (yes, Ted was in on it).  It was then that Brian started a lovely speech about love and family.  Meanwhile, my mom is sitting across the table from me going "What is he doing?"  Soon enough, Brian asked my dad for his blessing, and then had me come up on the big stump with him (remember, we're in the California Redwoods; there are a lot of big tree stumps around), got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him.  After hesitating just enough to elicit the desired laugh from our audience of 215 people, I accepted, and there was much cheering and rejoicing.

We have tentatively set the date for some time in July or early August of 2015.  What we know so far is that we want a Pirate themed wedding, we want it to be fun, and festive, and very "production oriented" to suit our attention whore personalities.  We had seriously considered September 19, 2015 because that is Talk Like A Pirate Day, and it falls on a Saturday next year.  However, we want an outdoor wedding, and trying to do something that late in the year out doors in Seattle is sketchy at best.  Actually, any time of year is still iffy, but July/August gives you a better chance at sunshine.  And late August is right out, because I do not want my wedding conflicting with my parents' 50th wedding anniversary.

One challenge is that we want to keep it in a budget of $6K to $8K, but still want to have a large-scale wedding with all our friends and family in attendance.  Neither of us wants to do the super cheap courthouse ceremony and picnic in the park reception kind of thing.  Despite the fact that this is a second marriage for each of us, it is the first "real" wedding Brian has had, and I want him to have that experience, and get the things he really wants.  Hence the 15 month prep time.  Gives us time to both plan and save some money to make this thing happen.  I've already started looking on line at potential venues, and we have a rough budget worked out and some of the ideas for ceremony and reception.  We are expecting a lot of DIY in terms of food and decorations and such.  I had originally thought that doing that level of planning and venue searching was premature at this point, 15 months out, but in talking to other brides and former brides, it really isn't. 

So yeah, let the insanity start!