1) But Brian has already met your family.
2) Didn't you meet Brian's family long before you ever met him or even knew of his existence?
3) I thought Brian had no contact with the majority of his family.
All three of these statements are, in fact, true. Well ... mostly true, in any case.
Brian has, in fact met the part of my family that I am close to and see on any kind of regular basis. Not that I would turn down the chance to introduce him to other, more distant, family members should the opportunity arise. But it isn't something I am going to make a huge effort to do just because I'm getting married in a year.
The part about my meeting Brian's family before I met him is only half true. I got to know his dad, stepmother and three half-siblings back in 1996 through an interesting combination of St Alphonsus Church in Ballard, and the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). Over time they adopted me and my then-boyfriend/husband into their family. And due to a highly unfortunate set of circumstances over the last two years, I have lost a large part of that connection to the surviving four members of that family. Three of which I would dearly love to be able to celebrate our engagement with and include in the wedding festivities. Sadly, I fear the only way I could make that happen would be to do and/or say something that I know to be a lie and compromise my own personal set of ethics. I still hold hope in my heart, however, that I can reconcile with that "adoptive family" without having to do something I believe to be wrong.
But it is that third statement that is the subject of this blog today.
It is true that Brian has, by his own personal choice, no contact with the majority of his family. Coming from such a different family dynamic and upbringing, I cannot even begin to understand what governs this decision of his, but I know that I respect it, and would never try and tell him how to handle his emotions or manage those relationships. I will let Brian handle this in his own way.
Despite his own "self exile" from most family members, Brian has maintained a good relationship with his younger sister Heidi. I've met her as well, and she is awesome. And not just because she and her SO came to our housewarming and brought candied bacon and good tequila (though they were both quite delicious!) She is just a really cool and awesome person. Which is why I was so pleased that she invited both of us to her daughter's wedding.
Granted, it took Brian a while to come to grips with attending a Family Function (capitalization intentional). I wasn't going to push it; I let him make the decision as to whether or not to go. I think attending his dad's burial service is what made Brian feel more comfortable with making the decision to go. Once he did, though, I took the role of Social Organizer, and made sure everything was taken care of -- gift purchased, timeline arranged, and so on. What can I say ... it's what I do. I'm very glad we went. It was a lovely wedding, at a lovely venue in the Snohomish/Monroe area (the part of Snohomish that is really much closer to Monroe, for those who know the area and/or ever attended a party at Kat Schroeder's old place).
So, this is where I got to Meet The Family (capitalization once again intentional).
A part of me feels a little bad, because I sort of made it happen. Brian was more than content to stay in our little corner of the reception venue and only talk to his sister and congratulate his niece, the lovely bride. But I was curious. Really, really curious. Despite the pain and upset that I knew some of these people had/have caused my dearest love, I still felt the overwhelming urge to meet them. Maybe I was hoping to get a little bit of what Brian has gotten from my family and extended Gualala family -- the glimpse into a totally different side of Brian from his childhood and early adulthood. Or maybe it was just simply not wanting the regret of not having met anyone from that side of the family when I actually had the chance to do so. I don't know, probably a little of both.
Anyway, after spending some time getting that "glimpse of Brian's childhood" that I wanted from a family friend who shared our table for dinner, my curiosity got the best of me. And when Brian excused himself to use the restroom, I decided to help the volunteers that were setting up the wedding cake and cupcake display. Which just happened to be where the mother of the bride was sitting with the rest of her family. I'm pretty sure Heidi knew exactly what I was doing, and why, because she was kind enough to introduce me to her mother, aunt and uncle. Which, not surprisingly, prompted a lot of response along the line of "Brian is HERE?!"
That is what I feel a little bad about. Obviously, a response and revelation like that is going to be acted upon. So when I went back to join my sweetheart at the table, we had a couple of additional visitors. Talking with his aunt (dad's sister) was lovely, and once again I appreciated getting a different and new look into that side of the family. I won't go into details, but we'll just say I learned a lot about another man I knew pretty well. When Brian's mother came up to talk, I knew I needed to give them space. They talked for quite a while, during which time I got to meet his older sister, Ginny (who did a fantastic job coordinating the whole wedding; it really was lovely, and fun, and a good time).
During this whole time, I recognized how hard this was on Brian, and I hope he can forgive me for being the catalyst to a reunion that he never wanted nor asked for. Still, I just can't help but be grateful to get the chance to meet these people I have only heard about. I wouldn't dream of telling Brian what to do about his relationship with his family, or negate his very real and justifiable feelings. And whatever happens going forward, I'm glad to have gotten this opportunity.
Oh, and when I finally did get to meet and congratulate the bride, it got even better. Apparently, her childhood nickname for Brian was "Uncle Chunk", named after the chubby kid from "The Goonies" movie. This is how she addressed him when we went to talk to her. I plan on using that nickname at any appropriate opportunity I get!
I never said I wasn't an EVIL bride-to-be ... ;)
